Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Today Is A Bad Day

Photo by nikko macaspac on Unsplash
          Today is one of those days for me. The kind where you wake up with unshakable anxiety. It looms over you through your day, making getting out of bed, or getting work done, sound like it just might be too much for you to handle right now. Today, I felt like I was drowning, and no one could see me or help me.

          Today, I slept in until 1:00. Not because I was tired  (which is unusual for me to not feel exhausted), but because I kept forcing myself back to sleep, hoping the next time I woke up, I'd wake up without the anxiety. It didn't happen, and by 1:00 I knew I had to get up and do something. My thought's wouldn't just stop, slow down, go away, leave me alone. Why is it, when my mind finally decides to focus, it focuses on everything I don't need to be thinking about?

          I'm currently in between jobs, my summer job ended and I am waiting to hear back from my work interest, so I don't have a current work obligation. I often spend my free time working on SLLY to keep myself busy and productive. I guess you can say that's what I'm doing now.

          Honestly, sometimes I don't feel fit to be talking about recovery. On these days, I doubt myself a lot. I have to remind myself that you don't have to have everything together to make a difference, and you don't have to be ahead of everyone in your road to recovery, to promote it. It's true, and it's true for everyone I talk to. I am no exception to this truth, and neither are you.

          Today, is a bad day. I have those too. In fact, I have those often. I often times talk to people, asking me how I am so "happy" all the time, or how I figured out how to love myself. I tell them, the truth is, I'm not happy all the time, and I don't always love myself. I've come a long way for sure, but there's sometimes I just feel like giving up on everything. I feel unmotivated, emotionally and physically exhausted, and sometimes I hate my body. Things are better than they used to be, I will admit that, but I'm still in the middle of my journey. I had to make the decision every day, that I was going to encourage myself, and give my body the love and care it needs to get to where I want to be.

          I'm no better than anyone else who struggles with these things, I'm just in a different place with different situations and circumstances.

          Today may not have been a good day, not in the slightest, but I still deserve a good tomorrow, and that's what I'm going to be aiming for. When I have bad days like this, tomorrow is literally all I have. Every single day is potential for a good one, and that's enough for me right now.

          Today is a bad day, tomorrow will be better, but if tomorrow isn't better, I will appreciate today.

-ToriLynn

No comments:

Post a Comment