"How Do I Save You From Yourself?"

Photo by Eli DeFaria on Unsplash

          "How do I save you from yourself?" he asked me, his tone was challenging. He knew I didn't have an answer for him, not then at least.

          He didn't have to walk out on me like he did. The second he found out, he left and, I never saw him again. As wrong as it was, the way he handled himself, he had a point. How did I expect him to save me from my demons when they live inside me? Sure, he was just trying to make excuses for being a coward and treating me with a huge lack of respect, but that sentence still haunts me. "How do I save you from yourself?"

          I didn't have an answer for him then, but if I could tell him now, I'd tell him... "I didn't expect you to save me, I expected you to stand by me while I saved myself."

          I didn't ask him to put me back together or to heal me. He didn't even give me the opportunity to talk to him about what I needed, he simply didn't want to deal with me and he ran.

          I don't blame him, not everyone can handle dating someone who deals with such deep hurt, but he didn't have to walk out the door while I begged him to just come back in and hold me, talk to me, something. No, he just left, acted like he just couldn't deal with me.

          He couldn't handle me, but he sure liked his hands on me. If I am, in his eyes, too mentally ill to date, he never should've tried to get me in bed afterwards, yet he still tried. "Friends with benefits." was his suggestion, but I just couldn't figure out how I would be benefiting me?

          My desperate need for attention almost made me agree. I almost said yes, because I knew if I had nothing to offer him, he'd disappear for good, but I didn't. I couldn't.

          I had cried myself to sleep, and replayed him finding out, over and over in my head too many times. The way he pushed me off of him, before leaving me standing in the door frame as I watched him get in his truck and drive away. I felt too much heartache, so I said no.

          "You'll be missing out on a good thing." Is what he told me when I decided I didn't want to be friends with benefits. "You missed out on a good thing when you left me." was the only reply I could come up with.

          I never expected him to save me, and I wish I could've had the chance to tell him that. I could do it by myself, but having him by my side to do so would have been nice. It would've been nice to have support, even if it was just friendship, but he didn't offer any.

          I don't need anyone else to save me, in fact I don't think anyone else could, even if they tried. It's not something someone else can just take away. I'm not broken in need of fixing, I am hurt and in need of healing, and that's something only I can provide for myself.

          Finally, that sentence doesn't haunt me anymore. I finally got my answer, even if it's a little late. I'm stronger now, and I've figured out who I am. I haven't won the war yet, but I've been kicking some major ass in these battles.

          Don't worry about who's going to save me, I've got me covered.

-ToriLynn