Forgiveness & Apologies

          Forgiving someone who has hurt you, and apologizing when you’ve hurt others can both be difficult. Letting go of the pain someone has caused you takes time, and requires a healing process. Apologizing takes a lot of courage, because no one ever likes to admit they were wrong. A lot of the time, these things don’t get done. People don’t apologize and therefore, there is no forgiveness. So many people hold their pride closer than their respect for other people with results in other people holding grudges.


Apologies
          For me, I tend to apologize for everything. When I’m in the way, if someone says “excuse me” as they try to get past me I will apologize. These are what I call courtesy apologies. Not everyone uses them, but I know I do. These are different than admitting when we are wrong though.
          Apologies need to be genuine. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard “I’m sorry”, but didn’t truly feel like it was an honest one. That’s why sometimes it is difficult to forgive people even if they apologize, because sometimes, we just don’t feel it.

          Apologies won’t always get us what we want though. In some situations, they just aren’t enough to warrant second chances. This goes for both us giving and receiving apologies. Though, often times we are forgiven, and get to move on in the right direction with people, no one is obligated to let us back into their lives, and you are not obligated to let someone back in either. I have, on many occasions, had to explain to people that, although they are sorry, and I forgive them, I won’t be putting myself back, in a position, to be hurt again. Looking out for yourself is okay and sometimes it’s just what we need to do. If you’re ever in a situation where someone gets upset or angry that you won’t give them a second chance, just know it’s okay. Not everyone is going to understand. Just do what is best for you and try to move on.

Forgiveness
          Forgiving someone for hurting you can be difficult, in fact I still carry a few things around that I haven’t forgiven people for just yet. I’m getting there, but it is a healing process like I mentioned before. How quickly someone forgives is not only determined by the amount of pain caused, but determined by the person who was hurt and their ability to accept what happened and move on.

          Despite popular belief, forgiveness isn’t for the person who hurt you, it’s for you. Because holding onto the hurt people cause gets us nowhere. It’s an endless cycle and going without forgiving makes us relive the pain. It’s not about if the person who hurt you deserves the forgiveness, it’s about you moving forward and letting go of that pain. It’s about you taking control of your emotions and your mind and doing something about a situation you were faced with. So ultimately, forgiveness is for you. For yourself to find peace of mind, and you deserve that.

          Sometimes it takes awhile. I don’t expect anyone to get hurt and immediately say “I forgive you” and move on. That’s not a realistic mindset. I know how difficult it can be to forgive someone who has hurt you.

          I’ve had to forgive many people I my life, because if I didn’t, It would have destroyed me. The worst feeling is holding onto something for too long, so long even, you can’t remember what it was like not to hate them or what they’ve done. I personally can’t say I hate anyone. It would take quite a lot to get that sort of reaction out of me, but even so, I can say I’ve had immense dislike for a few people. I’m not perfect, and there are a few people I’m still working on forgiving, but that’s the key, actually working on it. Not letting yourself fall into the mindset of “This is how its going to be” for the rest of your life.

          Not everyone will understand the importance of forgiveness either. If you’ve done something that you’ve apologized for, yet this person doesn’t forgive you, try to understand, some people don’t have it in them to let go. You’ll need to find a way to forgive yourself for what it is you did. People make mistakes, and sometimes the consequences of our actions hurt, but even when we are sorry, there are still consequences. Sometimes there is nothing we can say or do to change some ones mind, whether about forgiveness or about second chances. We just have to accept this and move on, because dwelling on it won’t fix it.

          There’s a lot to forgiveness and apologies. So much, I’m afraid I can’t cover it all. All circumstances, situations and personal experiences are going to be different. They’re all going to have their own individual aspects to them so I can’t be specific to everything, but these are some general thoughts I have on the subjects.

My advice to you is this: 

• Love yourself enough to forgive people, because holding onto grudges will only hurt you.
• Humble yourself enough to apologize when you are wrong, and forgive yourself.
• Understand that being forgiven can take time and doesn’t guarantee second chances.
• Know that you are not obligated to give second chances if you forgive someone.

-Tori Lynn

Toxic People

          Most people, in their lifetime, will come across a few toxic people. Whether family, friendships, or relationships. I’ve already encountered my fair share and I’ve been starting to learn a lot on how to handle it. Learning that I deserve better was the most difficult part, but also the most important. I first needed to value myself before I could understand where things were going wrong with the company I kept. I gave too many second chances to people who didn’t prove they deserved them. I used to hand them out freely, regardless of how much people had hurt me. I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt, and though in some cases that can be good and even appropriate, I wasn’t using my discernment to figure out if these were those appropriate situations. I let myself get hurt over and over, letting the same people back in, just to end up with the same results, when I should have been protecting myself.
(Proverbs 4:23 “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”)

          I’m not saying to never give someone a second chance, I’m just saying to be careful of how many you hand out. I suggest, if you’re considering giving someone a second chance, do so with caution determined by the character they showed you previously.

          There is an aspect of manipulation to any toxic person or relationship and this is why they are so harmful. Toxic people have a few characteristics they can be identified by. Things to look out for include but are not limited to some of these listed below.

The Blamer: They will often make you feel like every argument, issue, or problem is your fault. Even if you can logically tell yourself otherwise and have proof that they are the ones who created said problem, they will still make you feel like you’ve done something wrong. They most likely will not listen or agree with anything you are saying, even faced with facts.
(Proverbs 18:1 “Unfriendly people care only about themselves; they lash out a common sense.”)
  They will not want to accept responsibility for anything if they are able to pass the blame off to someone else.

The Insulter: Back handed compliments are a very big sign that this person is toxic. Something such as “That dress looks good on you, it would look even better if you lost some weight.” These sorts of things tear people down more than they build people up, yet it’s disguised as a “compliment”. Don’t let yourself be fooled. Genuine compliments will leave you feeling happy or confident.

The User: Some toxic people will use you. Only call when they need a ride, and only hang out when you can provide it for them. Maybe they need to use your printer and that the only time you ever get a call back. We often feel obligated to do these things because in our minds, “that’s what friends do” but in reality, if they do not make an effort in the friendship outside of needing something, can you really consider yourself friends? Doing favors for friends doesn’t mean you’re being used, but when these favors are the only thing you seem to ever do with this friend, it may be time to start asking where you stand.

          There are so many different types of toxic people out there and they come in varying degrees. The sad thing is, sometimes they are the people we consider the closest to us. Using your discernment is the best way to figure out, when it’s time to say, enough is enough. You deserve to be treated with respect. We are only human and sometimes we give people too many second chances. I know I have. When it comes down to it, though, we need to be able to protect ourselves as well. Sometimes we need to be able to let go, and accept that no matter how many chances someone is given, if they do not want to improve themselves, nothing will change.
(Proverbs 14:18 “If you ignore criticism, you will end in poverty and disgrace, if you accept correction, you will be honored.”)

          It is not our job to fix people, however, nor is it our job to punish them. It is simply our job to do what is best for ourselves, and if that means removing these people from our lives, then that is what you should do.

          I have had people act as if removing them from my life is a punishment, do not let these types of people make you feel guilty. It is okay to put yourself first when you find yourself in situations where it is necessary.

          If you have someone in your life that makes you feel inferior when you’re around them, or sick when their name pops up on your phone. If that person makes you feel used, self conscious, or even guilty for things that were not your fault, then my advice to you is this: Evaluate the situation, talk with this person if you haven’t already, and let them know how you feel. If they do not seem apologetic for how their actions or words have affected you, then it’s time to let go. It is okay to let go of people who you feel, a continued friendship or relationship with, will not benefit you, or could potentially cause you more harm.

          You deserve to be happy and loved in all your relationships.

1 Corinthians 15:33 “Don’t be fooled by those who say such things, for ‘bad company corrupts good character.’”

Proverbs 14:7 “Stay away from fools, for you won’t find knowledge on their lips.”

-Tori Lynn