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| Photo by Mike Wilson on Unsplash |
The worst part for me is always waiting to meet. As a woman, I'm usually the one waiting to be picked up, or if we are meeting somewhere, I always make sure to get there very early to be sure I can find the place, and be there first, so I'm not late. Anxiety ties my stomach in knots, my heart pounds, my mouth goes dry. I pull at my clothes, pick at my nails, bite my lips, cheeks, tongue, but I'll stop myself in an attempt to keep it all internalized. I don't want to look like I'm having anxiety... that would just give me more anxiety.
Once I meet my date, these things don't go away, but they at least stop building. Now I just have to fight them off so I can maybe enjoy myself a little? That is what we're out for, right?
That's the crazy thing about dating with anxiety. Dates are supposed to be a fun way to get to know someone, yet somehow they're more stressful than they are fun for us who struggle with anxiety.
I've had some dates not even happen because of my anxiety. I'll make plans, and we'll both agree on something that we'd both be interested in doing. The plans are made, the time and day is set, but it's a few days away. Sometimes I think, if I give myself enough time, I can prepare myself, but in reality, my anxiety gets a hold of that time and slowly starts to makes it's way into my thoughts. The anxiety builds over the course of that time and finally I can't take it anymore. I can't even call them, I shoot them a text. "I'm really sorry, I had completely forgotten I had previous commitments. Another time?" I'm not trying to be rude, and I feel bad for lying, but how do you explain that my anxiety is so bad that I just can't seem to go through with this? "It's not you, it's my anxiety."?
Anxiety has always told me, that if I tell them it's due to anxiety, they wont want to reschedule, and I really do want to try again. I want to be able to do these things, go on dates, meet people and get to know them. It's just so hard sometimes.
Some people just don't understand. These aren't nervous butterflies, they are hornets. What I'm feeling is not a mixture of excitement. I am scared of what I cannot control, all the what ifs.
Even with anxiety, I've had my fair share of successful dates and they did help me realized that you don't have to be in control of everything for things to go well. In fact, you can't possibly be in control of it all. Learning to accept these things is hard, because anxiety like all mental illness, is a liar.
For those who's love lives don't get enough freedom due to anxiety, my advice would be this: breathe. Breathe through it and focus on this.
They don't notice those little things you're so worried about. Your hair looks great, your outfit fits you nicely. Your conversation is good, your stories are interesting and they probably think you smell really nice. You don't need to control everything, so let it go how it goes. Easier said than done, trust me I understand that, but walk yourself through affirmations if you have to.
If you do not want to go on a date, don't. Date's are supposed to be fun. They're supposed to be enjoyable and if you find yourself having too much anxiety about it, the please do what is best for your mental health. It's okay to reschedule, or put dating on hold until you are ready. Make decisions for you, because it's about you.
It might never be easy, but don't give up hope. Eventually you will figure out just what you need to do to go on a date with anxiety.
-Tori Lynn
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