Low Self Esteem

          Mental illness is known for attacking your self esteem. It is one of the things it likes to take from you first. It strips you of your confidence, tells you that you aren't enough, and doesn't care about your logic or anyone else's. It can and will tear you down, regardless of the good things about yourself.

Photo by Abigail Keenan on Unsplash

          I fit a lot of societies standards for beauty, so often times, body positivity, or general discussion about my struggle with my self image or self esteem, isn't always received well, but it's still something I struggle with.

         The thing about mental illness and low self esteem though, is that it doesn't care what you look like. It doesn't care what you have, how attractive you are or funny you are. It doesn't care if you wear all the nicest clothes or make up. Just like mental illness doesn't care about how "good" your life is, it also doesn't care about how "good" you look. It will still impact and affect your life, your mind, and your emotions, regardless.

          It will make you doubt everything you once loved about yourself and additionally, make you feel bad for doing so.

          Anytime I found myself expressing low self esteem, I would have people tell me "you have no reason to feel that way." I knew that their intentions were probably good, but it made me feel like they were invalidating what I was going through. As if I was wrong for the way I was feeling about myself. So I eventually stopped trying to talk about it.

          I didn't always have a low self image. When I was growing up I was actually pretty comfortable with my body. It seemed like when the anxiety and depression came around, that's when I found myself worrying about how I looked. Even now I struggle with it.

          I've been told to eat more, because "you look sick". and "you have no curves." "Put some meat on your bones." I've been told "if you exercise you could lose your carb tummy." or "squats could help you tone out your butt." I've been told I look prettier when I smile and I've been told "you should get your tooth fixed. I've had people say "you don't need make up to look beautiful" then others tell me "you look sick, or tired, are you okay?" when I don't wear any. I've had people say "you have a thigh gap, that's not healthy." but isn't that what society wanted? These are the things, other people have said.

          Then I think to myself, my smile is crooked, my tooth isn't right. I should lose some weight, but then wont I look sick? My boobs are too small, and my hips are too big. I have stretch marks on my butt and legs and damnit, I have scars. My face is too round, my nose is too big, my eyes are too small. My hair isn't blonde enough, my acne is showing. I have dips in my hips so my pants just don't look right. My nails always break so my hands just aren't pretty. What even is my eye color? Grey? Green? I laugh too loud, I talk too much, I can't do things right. I can't make it stop!

Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash

          Mental illness... it targets whomever it wants, it doesn't care about your social standing, your good grades, your happy home life, your social circle, popularity, looks, or income. It doesn't care if you have everything figured out or your life put together. You could be the smartest kid in the class, or most talented person in your family. Mental illness doesn't care.

          I'm trying to realize, these things about me, they make me unique. These things that I think make me less beautiful, are really just the opposite. When I started to realize that these self doubts were a side effect of mental illness, it was easier to fight against, because mental illness is a liar, and I don't believe liars.

          I want to love myself, and I'm slowly learning just how to do that. It's a process, but I know it's possible as long as I try. I loved myself once, just how I was, and I can do it again, and so can you.

-Tori Lynn