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How are you doing? How is school going? Are you smiling enough? Are you in love with somebody? I know this questions mean nothing to you, since in this night, my 13th birthday, you’re planning on killing yourself. I still remember that moment, the feeling of the rope, the knot you did and where you hung the rope. But I know that is not the answer, you could ask “how can you be sure about that?”, for which I’d reply: “I am here”.
I understand, school mornings aren’t fun, after-school evenings aren’t fun, spending the weekends alone isn’t fun. And they are not fun because of the hatred I have accumulated towards myself. I remember how nights were spent fantasizing about death, about stripping away the only thing you thought had. But I am sure that’s not the only thing you have, you can ask “are you talking about my grades?”, for which I’d reply: “no, you have everything and more, but you don’t have yourself”.
Because the night is scary, turn the lights on; because being alone is overwhelming, go out with your friends; because you have fought with mom, talk to her and try to understand. There are so many things I want to be able to fix, but now I can’t, I’m only capable of making them a part of myself and be sentient about them. Regrets, I have many, but I have more opportunities. Remorse, I have it, but I have more hope. Pain, I feel it, but there is more peace in me, now.
Your throat will hurt when you try to remember that night, it has been four years and mine still does. Your eyes will still water when the images flash back. You will have to swallow dry every time you think about it, just as you swallowed your thoughts and feelings.
The thing about me that I appreciate the most now is my voice, because with my voice I’ve made friends, because with my voice I’ve talked to my boyfriend, because with my voice I’ve thanked mom and dad because of all the things they have done for me, because with my voice I’ve been able to reclaim who I was and am, and because with my voice I’m able to proclaim who I want to be. The thing I hate the most now are just the hot days, I can’t stand them, but that’s something without importance.
I will update you on what has happened this last four years: nights have become scarier, but I stuff my face in the pillow and ignore the imaginary horrors, they still frighten me. I discovered I liked boys, too, and that I can basically like anything human (seriously). I discovered I’m better at writing than making music, but I read less. I changed school, to that school in the way home you like so much, it’s perfect. I gave my first kiss, on my 17th birthday, it was awesome, lips feel incredible. I had my first couple, it was a dude, older than you, we broke up in a sad way, but I try not to hate him. I am still alive.
For every dark night you spend, there will be a bright morning. For every smile you fake, there will be two true ones. For every friend you lose, another even better will come. For every test you fail, you will succeed three more. For every tear you shed, you will laugh ten times. And for every hot day, one cold evening will come, and you will absolutely love it.
So, after all the pros, do you still want to do it? Are you still comfortable with putting it to an end? If you do, keep reading: I just finished high school, not with the best grade, not with the best body, nor with the best happiness. But I finished it with the best friends, the best hopes and the best intentions. And I’ll reveal some secrets to you: your dream of leaving the country actually happens, just keep fighting, a lot of girls and guys actually like you, dad likes a lot the stories you write, the English teacher loves your knowledge on the language, there are now more lady friends than guy friends, like in the old times, I’m still recovering, but now I am full on it.
It’s okay to be girly, you look cool when acting manly, nobody cares about your fat, everyone still calls you “Yagüe” with love, you’re more open to your parents, you love your family ten times more, grandpa had a stroke but you love him even if he can’t talk or move by his own, you have two nephews now but Diego (middle brother), their father, is nowhere to be found, Elisa (step-sister) also had a baby and he’s awesome, Daniel (friend) moved to the US but you still talk to him, now you live in Caracas, with dad, the country’s situation has become worse, but the end of the tunnel is near and good news can be heard, just believe in them.
You still like music, maybe even more than ever, you enjoy writing a lot, and are participating in some contests, you like your smile now, your pride flag stands beautifully, your pants fit right and people smile when around you.
I’m not the great person I want to be yet, but the process is fully on march.
Tomorrow morning will be bright and warm.
With love, you.
-Ricardo
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