Ricardo Yagüe - SLLY Partner

          First of all, I want to introduce myself: I’m Ricardo Yagüe, 17 years old and live in Venezuela. I’ll be collaborating with Tori with the depression blogs. I self-diagnosed me with depression four years ago, when I was 13, and in this entry I will be talking about my stories and the impression I got from my illness.

          When I was 12 (late 2012) I entered middle school, with good grades, a big classmates group and nice acceptance from my peers I started what had to be the worst period of my short life. I’m not entirely when and why my depression hit me, but I do have some theories: first of all, I never had had a girlfriend nor kissed anyone, the school I was in was of a military regime (we had military uniforms, haircuts and schedules, plus the terrible and abusive discipline and hierarchy), I had a power spot within my class, but nobody respected our authority (we were 4 “honored” students). All of that stuff distressed me a lot, and I was dragging a lot of discomfort from elementary school, with myself, my grades and my attitude and personality. When 2013 arrived, my feelings and emotions started getting darker, first trimester of 2013 was my peak performance in grades, plus the peak of my friendship with the girl I had a crush on, let’s call her Girl A. Near my birthday, on March 29, my mental stability started getting worse and worse. On my birthday, I celebrated it with my mom and stepdad and Girl A, it was really fun, I may say that was one of the best birthday celebration I had, but when I got home, despite of the happiness of the celebration, I was feeling really down. That night, past 1am, I debated myself for almost an hour whether killing myself or not, I had the rope in front of me, I tied the knot, but was too scared to do it, I saw my friend’s faces, my mom’s and dad’s face, I saw them crying and I just couldn’t do it.

          Near the end of the school year, I started feeling better, then in eight grade (I was in seventh grade) I started exploring who I was and discovered I liked horror a lot, and also that I liked men better than horror, but I wasn’t homosexual, but bisexual indeed. I won’t specify how I discovered it because I’m not really sure myself, but no, it didn’t involve physical stuff with nobody. On 2014 my relationship with my mom got to an unnerving point and I ended up making her cry, the country’s situation got worse and a lot of stuff was going on, however I convinced my mom to change myself to a different school, I was really excited when I exited eight grade and was ready to start ninth in a different, more interesting and tranquil school. However, during that summer I had a terrible paranoia attack, I had got really attached to horror stuff (videos, stories, creepypastas) that my brain just couldn’t handle it. I broke down, wasn’t able to sleep with the lights off and panicked over hallucinations.

          When I started ninth grade in the new school I felt renewed, so many nice people to meet, made great friends and started telling some people I was bisexual. I felt relieved, I was in my comfort zone, I got enrolled in the Model of United Nations (google it) and it was great. Nevertheless, my depression didn’t disappear, but it wasn’t fixated, in came in waves, not regularly and not as deep as my first episode. After ninth grade I entered high school (same school), did first and second year almost swiftly (we only have two years of high school) and now I’m graduated. 

          2017 has been a really mesmerizing year, I had my first boyfriend, my first kiss and my first time. It’s as like if all the little goals I had were accomplished all at once. I met Tori and a lot of new friends, I discovered about non-binary genders and got involved more with the community, that helped me clarify and understand that I was indeed a pansexual, and that I am gender fluid. Now I am more open with my parents and everybody, all my friends know I am pansexual and know I am gender fluid. I still have my depression, but I redirect the bad energy trough writing.

          So, what did I learned about my story that can help you all? Easy:

• The best way to fight depression is knowing yourself, understanding what triggers your episodes, internalizing who you are and knowing your strengths and weaknesses.

• Open your mouth, speak, tell someone, my parents brushed it off and told me I was just sad, but it is important to tell people.

• Find something to do on your free time, especially if it requires deep thinking, or if it distracts you, one of the worst things you can do is to let yourself alone with your thoughts.

• Make friends and spend time with them, in eight grade I almost lived permanently during the weekends with my friends, that helped me a lot.

• Try discharging, trough that same activity you just found, your negative energy, and charge yourself a little bit.

• There’s nothing wrong with prioritizing your mental health over school, really.

• If I killed myself today, I would make a lot of people sad, and they’ll mourn my death, because there are people that care, even if you don’t see them

I love you all and wish you the best. -Ricardo