My Mental Health Help Experience

     For a long time I was seeking help to manage my anxiety, the problem was, I didn’t know where to start. I had asked my family for help, but unfortunately they seemed to be at a loss too. I knew I wanted to see a professional, but I had anxiety about getting help for my anxiety.

     I finally made my own appointment with a psychiatrist, which was my first step. So, on my birthday this year, that’s what I did. I went to go see a someone for help.

     I sat shaking in the waiting room, though I was fortunate to have Christina there with me for support. I didn’t know what to expect, and I suppose that was where my anxiety came from.

     In all honesty, it wasn’t the most pleasant experience I’ve ever had, but I could tell they just wanted to help. Being honest with the doctor was the hard part, because I’m not used to looking at anyone in the eye and admitting I’m not okay. With peers and friends it’s different. I guess it just felt real, and that becomes scary.

     He diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and gave me two prescriptions to help manage my anxiety symptoms, but he highly recommend I see a psychologist so I can learn better coping methods.

     I’ve currently been clean from self harm, since October, 2017, but I’ll admit, there have been times where I was tempted, and even pulled out and played with the blade I used to use. So I made an appointment, knowing I could use the new coping skills.

     When I first started going to therapy, I was quiet. I did a lot of listening, and fidgeting, but my therapist was really nice, and super relatable. She gave me a fidget toy for me to keep, and bring to appointments. I keep it with me all the time.

     So far things are good and I’m so blessed to have the therapist that I have. I had to pause my therapy sessions during the move because I was short on money, but hopefully will start getting back into it regular appointments.

     I really encourage you guys to consider professional help if you need it. It’s not always easy getting there, but it’s certainly worth the results if you get kind, and understanding professionals to team up with you.

     I’ve always had a support system behind me, my friends have always been there for me, and I will always need that, but professional help has given me a game plan for my support system to work on with me.

-Tori

Paulo - New Earth Nutrition

Written by guest blogger Paulo - founder of NewEarthNutrition on Instagram.

         We’re all suckers for inspirational before & after weight loss stories but this is not one of them. This is my after the after story.

         See, Nobody really talks about what happens after the fact. Diet culture dictates that we should vilify the “befores” & glorify the “afters”. The “befores” are typically stigmatized despite their efforts or underlying medical condition. They’re all just lazy right? And the “afters” are celebrated despite the hidden detrimental costs of their success. ⠀ ⠀
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         And we all want to be celebrated of course so we try & “improve” ourselves. However, we usually approach a weight loss journey as something static that ends after losing a certain amount of lbs. But it doesn’t really end there. 

         I struggled with my weight & my body image issues for the majority of my waking life. I really hated myself so I thought I should change myself through discipline. I wanted to be an “after” story so bad I did things that are uncharacteristic of me.

         I fasted for weeks on end, drank various concoctions of cleansing juices, & I did extreme diets and exercises. I forced my body into submission & eventually I turned my life around. Before losing over a hundred lbs I was miserable & depressed. After losing weight I became depressed & miserable. ⠀ ⠀
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         In essence, nothing really changed. Despite the superficial bodily improvements & hollow approval from others I still felt that I was the same piece of crap person. Still, I wasn’t “enough”

         We strive for optimal weight because it’s fundamentally about our health. But somewhere along the way we start doing it for the wrong reasons. And this pursuit, this grueling abuse that I’ve put my body through for the sake of an “ideal image” & for the hopes that maybe others will love me seemed to have caused more problems than what it intended to solve. ⠀

         I ended up with a dysfunctional relationship with my friends, my family, with food, & most especially with myself.

         So yeah, Just know that all that glitters is not necessarily gold. Strive for health but do it out of self love and not self hatred.

What It Means To Be In Recovery

          Mental health recovery. What does it look like? What does it mean to be in recovery? I think there's a popular misunderstanding of how recovery is supposed to go when it comes to mental illness. People tend to think, that when you're in recovery, you're all better. This is wrong. Choosing recovery does not mean that everything is better, it means you've decided to do what you need, to get there.

The definition of recovery:

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re·cov·er·y

/rəˈkəv(ə)rē/

noun

1. 1.

   
   

   a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.
2. 
   
3. 2. the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.

          I underlined process for a reason. Recovery is not something that you just decide to wake up and have. It is something that you have to go through, and work for. It is a process.

          Think about someone who is in recovery, whether from an injury, physical illness, or procedure. There are certain things these people need to do, to help themselves regain their strength. Some even need physical therapists to help them get to where they need to be.

          Mental health and physical health are not so different. They both require forms of self care, dedication to getting well, and support from others. Is some cases, medication, and therapy are needed.

          Just because people are in recovery, doesn't mean there wont be struggles. Recovery is a vulnerable place. You've gone through a lot and you've chosen to get better; to dedicate your time to this process. 

          Just like physical health, mental health can have set backs. They happen to even the most dedicated, but recovery isn't going to be a straight line upwards to your goal. I say this a lot, because it is true. Recovery looks more like ups and downs, zig-zags, and loops all over the chart. You're learning along the way, and that is okay. Recovery is something you have to choose, and aim for every day. So, even if you have set backs, or relapses, you haven't failed. You have a whole new opportunity to wake up tomorrow and start fresh. That is how it goes. Strength isn't in getting everything right the first time, it's not getting it right, and trying again anyway.

          Recovery is a place where healing happens. Where you give both your body and your mind the attention it needs. Understand that healing happens at a different pace for everyone.

-ToriLynn

1. 1. fdkdk
      

      Th	2the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.

Today Is A Bad Day

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          Today is one of those days for me. The kind where you wake up with unshakable anxiety. It looms over you through your day, making getting out of bed, or getting work done, sound like it just might be too much for you to handle right now. Today, I felt like I was drowning, and no one could see me or help me.

          Today, I slept in until 1:00. Not because I was tired  (which is unusual for me to not feel exhausted), but because I kept forcing myself back to sleep, hoping the next time I woke up, I'd wake up without the anxiety. It didn't happen, and by 1:00 I knew I had to get up and do something. My thought's wouldn't just stop, slow down, go away, leave me alone. Why is it, when my mind finally decides to focus, it focuses on everything I don't need to be thinking about?

          I'm currently in between jobs, my summer job ended and I am waiting to hear back from my work interest, so I don't have a current work obligation. I often spend my free time working on SLLY to keep myself busy and productive. I guess you can say that's what I'm doing now.

          Honestly, sometimes I don't feel fit to be talking about recovery. On these days, I doubt myself a lot. I have to remind myself that you don't have to have everything together to make a difference, and you don't have to be ahead of everyone in your road to recovery, to promote it. It's true, and it's true for everyone I talk to. I am no exception to this truth, and neither are you.

          Today, is a bad day. I have those too. In fact, I have those often. I often times talk to people, asking me how I am so "happy" all the time, or how I figured out how to love myself. I tell them, the truth is, I'm not happy all the time, and I don't always love myself. I've come a long way for sure, but there's sometimes I just feel like giving up on everything. I feel unmotivated, emotionally and physically exhausted, and sometimes I hate my body. Things are better than they used to be, I will admit that, but I'm still in the middle of my journey. I had to make the decision every day, that I was going to encourage myself, and give my body the love and care it needs to get to where I want to be.

          I'm no better than anyone else who struggles with these things, I'm just in a different place with different situations and circumstances.

          Today may not have been a good day, not in the slightest, but I still deserve a good tomorrow, and that's what I'm going to be aiming for. When I have bad days like this, tomorrow is literally all I have. Every single day is potential for a good one, and that's enough for me right now.

          Today is a bad day, tomorrow will be better, but if tomorrow isn't better, I will appreciate today.

-ToriLynn

It's Not You, It's My Anxiety

          Anxiety is hard to explain to those who do not understand it, and unfortunately, those who do not suffer from it, don't hear about it enough to know the effect it can have, so I would always find myself making excuses so not to offend people.

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          I remember once, I had to excuse myself from a graduation party due to an anxiety attack. I disappeared for an hour while my boyfriend at the time, mingled with all his friends and family, and I was closed up in his room simply trying to breathe. I was embarrassed that I couldn't hold myself together, and was so afraid that people would think that I was being rude or antisocial. My boyfriend understood, but would everyone else understand that, "It's not you, it's my anxiety."

          I've canceled plans with friends because of anxiety. Whether the anxiety was over getting to where I needed to go, or simply just meeting with them. I'd always feel so terrible, and pray they didn't think that I don't like them. That's not true at all, in fact, "It's not you, it's my anxiety."

          It's never personal, but I always find it difficult to explain. I don't want people to be upset when I need to excuse myself from social situations, or if I can't meet up that day because I'm having an anxiety attack. Anxiety likes to control me, to tell me what I can and cannot do, and although I try to cope and fight it, sometimes I can't win. For other people, understanding this might be hard.

          We don't talk about mental illness enough for those who don't struggle with it to truly understand the effects it can have on someone. We treat mental illness so differently than physical illness, but really, they're not much different.

          My anxiety causes distress. It sends waves of nausea through my body and makes it hard to breathe. I can't focus, I can't function. My ability to cope has left the building... So sometimes, I say that I'm sick. Because although I'm experiencing anxiety, I feel sick. I am sick.

          When someone has the flu, and they cancel plans, we are so quick to be forgiving. We need to make it better known, that mental illness of any sort, has physical affects on you and your ability to function as well as a very real impact on your mental state. Just because it's your mind, doesn't mean it isn't important.

          It's time to talk about it, it's time to understand it. So please, realize, if I need some space, "It's not you, it's my anxiety."

-Tori Lynn

Low Self Esteem

          Mental illness is known for attacking your self esteem. It is one of the things it likes to take from you first. It strips you of your confidence, tells you that you aren't enough, and doesn't care about your logic or anyone else's. It can and will tear you down, regardless of the good things about yourself.

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          I fit a lot of societies standards for beauty, so often times, body positivity, or general discussion about my struggle with my self image or self esteem, isn't always received well, but it's still something I struggle with.

         The thing about mental illness and low self esteem though, is that it doesn't care what you look like. It doesn't care what you have, how attractive you are or funny you are. It doesn't care if you wear all the nicest clothes or make up. Just like mental illness doesn't care about how "good" your life is, it also doesn't care about how "good" you look. It will still impact and affect your life, your mind, and your emotions, regardless.

          It will make you doubt everything you once loved about yourself and additionally, make you feel bad for doing so.

          Anytime I found myself expressing low self esteem, I would have people tell me "you have no reason to feel that way." I knew that their intentions were probably good, but it made me feel like they were invalidating what I was going through. As if I was wrong for the way I was feeling about myself. So I eventually stopped trying to talk about it.

          I didn't always have a low self image. When I was growing up I was actually pretty comfortable with my body. It seemed like when the anxiety and depression came around, that's when I found myself worrying about how I looked. Even now I struggle with it.

          I've been told to eat more, because "you look sick". and "you have no curves." "Put some meat on your bones." I've been told "if you exercise you could lose your carb tummy." or "squats could help you tone out your butt." I've been told I look prettier when I smile and I've been told "you should get your tooth fixed. I've had people say "you don't need make up to look beautiful" then others tell me "you look sick, or tired, are you okay?" when I don't wear any. I've had people say "you have a thigh gap, that's not healthy." but isn't that what society wanted? These are the things, other people have said.

          Then I think to myself, my smile is crooked, my tooth isn't right. I should lose some weight, but then wont I look sick? My boobs are too small, and my hips are too big. I have stretch marks on my butt and legs and damnit, I have scars. My face is too round, my nose is too big, my eyes are too small. My hair isn't blonde enough, my acne is showing. I have dips in my hips so my pants just don't look right. My nails always break so my hands just aren't pretty. What even is my eye color? Grey? Green? I laugh too loud, I talk too much, I can't do things right. I can't make it stop!

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          Mental illness... it targets whomever it wants, it doesn't care about your social standing, your good grades, your happy home life, your social circle, popularity, looks, or income. It doesn't care if you have everything figured out or your life put together. You could be the smartest kid in the class, or most talented person in your family. Mental illness doesn't care.

          I'm trying to realize, these things about me, they make me unique. These things that I think make me less beautiful, are really just the opposite. When I started to realize that these self doubts were a side effect of mental illness, it was easier to fight against, because mental illness is a liar, and I don't believe liars.

          I want to love myself, and I'm slowly learning just how to do that. It's a process, but I know it's possible as long as I try. I loved myself once, just how I was, and I can do it again, and so can you.

-Tori Lynn

On a Date With Anxiety

          Dating with anxiety comes with some complications, things that those who suffer from anxiety, have come to know as normal. The self doubt and questions come first. Over analyzing everything, and you find yourself trying to plan out the entire day in hopes to make sure everything goes right.

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          The worst part for me is always waiting to meet. As a woman, I'm usually the one waiting to be picked up, or if we are meeting somewhere, I always make sure to get there very early to be sure I can find the place, and be there first, so I'm not late. Anxiety ties my stomach in knots, my heart pounds, my mouth goes dry. I pull at my clothes, pick at my nails, bite my lips, cheeks, tongue, but I'll stop myself in an attempt to keep it all internalized. I don't want to look like I'm having anxiety... that would just give me more anxiety.

          Once I meet my date, these things don't go away, but they at least stop building. Now I just have to fight them off so I can maybe enjoy myself a little? That is what we're out for, right?

          That's the crazy thing about dating with anxiety. Dates are supposed to be a fun way to get to know someone, yet somehow they're more stressful than they are fun for us who struggle with anxiety.

          I've had some dates not even happen because of my anxiety. I'll make plans, and we'll both agree on something that we'd both be interested in doing. The plans are made, the time and day is set, but it's a few days away. Sometimes I think, if I give myself enough time, I can prepare myself, but in reality, my anxiety gets a hold of that time and slowly starts to makes it's way into my thoughts. The anxiety builds over the course of that time and finally I can't take it anymore. I can't even call them, I shoot them a text. "I'm really sorry, I had completely forgotten I had previous commitments. Another time?" I'm not trying to be rude, and I feel bad for lying, but how do you explain that my anxiety is so bad that I just can't seem to go through with this? "It's not you, it's my anxiety."?

          Anxiety has always told me, that if I tell them it's due to anxiety, they wont want to reschedule, and I really do want to try again. I want to be able to do these things, go on dates, meet people and get to know them. It's just so hard sometimes.

          Some people just don't understand. These aren't nervous butterflies, they are hornets. What I'm feeling is not a mixture of excitement. I am scared of what I cannot control, all the what ifs.

          Even with anxiety, I've had my fair share of successful dates and they did help me realized that you don't have to be in control of everything for things to go well. In fact, you can't possibly be in control of it all. Learning to accept these things is hard, because anxiety like all mental illness, is a liar.

          For those who's love lives don't get enough freedom due to anxiety, my advice would be this: breathe. Breathe through it and focus on this.

          They don't notice those little things you're so worried about. Your hair looks great, your outfit fits you nicely. Your conversation is good, your stories are interesting and they probably think you smell really nice. You don't need to control everything, so let it go how it goes. Easier said than done, trust me I understand that, but walk yourself through affirmations if you have to.

          If you do not want to go on a date, don't. Date's are supposed to be fun. They're supposed to be enjoyable and if you find yourself having too much anxiety about it, the please do what is best for your mental health. It's okay to reschedule, or put dating on hold until you are ready. Make decisions for you, because it's about you.

         It might never be easy, but don't give up hope. Eventually you will figure out just what you need to do to go on a date with anxiety.

-Tori Lynn