On a Date With Anxiety

          Dating with anxiety comes with some complications, things that those who suffer from anxiety, have come to know as normal. The self doubt and questions come first. Over analyzing everything, and you find yourself trying to plan out the entire day in hopes to make sure everything goes right.

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          The worst part for me is always waiting to meet. As a woman, I'm usually the one waiting to be picked up, or if we are meeting somewhere, I always make sure to get there very early to be sure I can find the place, and be there first, so I'm not late. Anxiety ties my stomach in knots, my heart pounds, my mouth goes dry. I pull at my clothes, pick at my nails, bite my lips, cheeks, tongue, but I'll stop myself in an attempt to keep it all internalized. I don't want to look like I'm having anxiety... that would just give me more anxiety.

          Once I meet my date, these things don't go away, but they at least stop building. Now I just have to fight them off so I can maybe enjoy myself a little? That is what we're out for, right?

          That's the crazy thing about dating with anxiety. Dates are supposed to be a fun way to get to know someone, yet somehow they're more stressful than they are fun for us who struggle with anxiety.

          I've had some dates not even happen because of my anxiety. I'll make plans, and we'll both agree on something that we'd both be interested in doing. The plans are made, the time and day is set, but it's a few days away. Sometimes I think, if I give myself enough time, I can prepare myself, but in reality, my anxiety gets a hold of that time and slowly starts to makes it's way into my thoughts. The anxiety builds over the course of that time and finally I can't take it anymore. I can't even call them, I shoot them a text. "I'm really sorry, I had completely forgotten I had previous commitments. Another time?" I'm not trying to be rude, and I feel bad for lying, but how do you explain that my anxiety is so bad that I just can't seem to go through with this? "It's not you, it's my anxiety."?

          Anxiety has always told me, that if I tell them it's due to anxiety, they wont want to reschedule, and I really do want to try again. I want to be able to do these things, go on dates, meet people and get to know them. It's just so hard sometimes.

          Some people just don't understand. These aren't nervous butterflies, they are hornets. What I'm feeling is not a mixture of excitement. I am scared of what I cannot control, all the what ifs.

          Even with anxiety, I've had my fair share of successful dates and they did help me realized that you don't have to be in control of everything for things to go well. In fact, you can't possibly be in control of it all. Learning to accept these things is hard, because anxiety like all mental illness, is a liar.

          For those who's love lives don't get enough freedom due to anxiety, my advice would be this: breathe. Breathe through it and focus on this.

          They don't notice those little things you're so worried about. Your hair looks great, your outfit fits you nicely. Your conversation is good, your stories are interesting and they probably think you smell really nice. You don't need to control everything, so let it go how it goes. Easier said than done, trust me I understand that, but walk yourself through affirmations if you have to.

          If you do not want to go on a date, don't. Date's are supposed to be fun. They're supposed to be enjoyable and if you find yourself having too much anxiety about it, the please do what is best for your mental health. It's okay to reschedule, or put dating on hold until you are ready. Make decisions for you, because it's about you.

         It might never be easy, but don't give up hope. Eventually you will figure out just what you need to do to go on a date with anxiety.

-Tori Lynn

Coming Out Day

          Today is national coming out day, which can be very scary for those who plan on using this day as an opportunity to talk to friends and family about their sexual orientation or gender identity. I wanted give some suggestions for those who plan on coming out today, or any other day, and some encouragement for those who don't feel like now is their time.

Photo by Peter Hershey on Unsplash

          If you're planning on coming out, I want to say that I am proud of you. It takes a lot of courage.

          First thing you should be sure of before coming out, is that you are in a safe environment. It's very important that you are not in an unsafe situation by coming out. This includes physically and emotionally. If you do not think you are in a safe situation, please do not come out. Your well being is the most important thing here.

          Make sure you are personally ready. Even if you feel your loved ones will be accepting, you need to be positive that you're ready to do this now. Everything has it's time and it's okay to wait if you want to.

Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash

          When coming out, do so with sincerity, and pure intentions. If they don't understand, try to help them, and be honest. 

          If you don't feel you aren't ready to come out, don't be discouraged. I know that days like this can make you feel left out, but everyone has their moment. Just because this one isn't yours doesn't mean it wont happen for you. You will get there in your own time.

Here's a fun coming out video for you to watch

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Dear Past Self - Ricardo Yague

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Dear past self,

How are you doing? How is school going? Are you smiling enough? Are you in love with somebody? I know this questions mean nothing to you, since in this night, my 13th birthday, you’re planning on killing yourself. I still remember that moment, the feeling of the rope, the knot you did and where you hung the rope. But I know that is not the answer, you could ask “how can you be sure about that?”, for which I’d reply: “I am here”.

I understand, school mornings aren’t fun, after-school evenings aren’t fun, spending the weekends alone isn’t fun. And they are not fun because of the hatred I have accumulated towards myself. I remember how nights were spent fantasizing about death, about stripping away the only thing you thought had. But I am sure that’s not the only thing you have, you can ask “are you talking about my grades?”, for which I’d reply: “no, you have everything and more, but you don’t have yourself”.

Because the night is scary, turn the lights on; because being alone is overwhelming, go out with your friends; because you have fought with mom, talk to her and try to understand. There are so many things I want to be able to fix, but now I can’t, I’m only capable of making them a part of myself and be sentient about them. Regrets, I have many, but I have more opportunities. Remorse, I have it, but I have more hope. Pain, I feel it, but there is more peace in me, now.

Your throat will hurt when you try to remember that night, it has been four years and mine still does. Your eyes will still water when the images flash back. You will have to swallow dry every time you think about it, just as you swallowed your thoughts and feelings.

The thing about me that I appreciate the most now is my voice, because with my voice I’ve made friends, because with my voice I’ve talked to my boyfriend, because with my voice I’ve thanked mom and dad because of all the things they have done for me, because with my voice I’ve been able to reclaim who I was and am, and because with my voice I’m able to proclaim who I want to be. The thing I hate the most now are just the hot days, I can’t stand them, but that’s something without importance.

I will update you on what has happened this last four years: nights have become scarier, but I stuff my face in the pillow and ignore the imaginary horrors, they still frighten me. I discovered I liked boys, too, and that I can basically like anything human (seriously). I discovered I’m better at writing than making music, but I read less. I changed school, to that school in the way home you like so much, it’s perfect. I gave my first kiss, on my 17th birthday, it was awesome, lips feel incredible. I had my first couple, it was a dude, older than you, we broke up in a sad way, but I try not to hate him. I am still alive.

For every dark night you spend, there will be a bright morning. For every smile you fake, there will be two true ones. For every friend you lose, another even better will come. For every test you fail, you will succeed three more. For every tear you shed, you will laugh ten times. And for every hot day, one cold evening will come, and you will absolutely love it.

So, after all the pros, do you still want to do it? Are you still comfortable with putting it to an end? If you do, keep reading: I just finished high school, not with the best grade, not with the best body, nor with the best happiness. But I finished it with the best friends, the best hopes and the best intentions. And I’ll reveal some secrets to you: your dream of leaving the country actually happens, just keep fighting, a lot of girls and guys actually like you, dad likes a lot the stories you write, the English teacher loves your knowledge on the language, there are now more lady friends than guy friends, like in the old times, I’m still recovering, but now I am full on it.

It’s okay to be girly, you look cool when acting manly, nobody cares about your fat, everyone still calls you “Yagüe” with love, you’re more open to your parents, you love your family ten times more, grandpa had a stroke but you love him even if he can’t talk or move by his own, you have two nephews now but Diego (middle brother), their father, is nowhere to be found, Elisa (step-sister) also had a baby and he’s awesome, Daniel (friend) moved to the US but you still talk to him, now you live in Caracas, with dad, the country’s situation has become worse, but the end of the tunnel is near and good news can be heard, just believe in them.

You still like music, maybe even more than ever, you enjoy writing a lot, and are participating in some contests, you like your smile now, your pride flag stands beautifully, your pants fit right and people smile when around you.

I’m not the great person I want to be yet, but the process is fully on march.

Tomorrow morning will be bright and warm.

With love, you.

-Ricardo

"How Do I Save You From Yourself?"

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          "How do I save you from yourself?" he asked me, his tone was challenging. He knew I didn't have an answer for him, not then at least.

          He didn't have to walk out on me like he did. The second he found out, he left and, I never saw him again. As wrong as it was, the way he handled himself, he had a point. How did I expect him to save me from my demons when they live inside me? Sure, he was just trying to make excuses for being a coward and treating me with a huge lack of respect, but that sentence still haunts me. "How do I save you from yourself?"

          I didn't have an answer for him then, but if I could tell him now, I'd tell him... "I didn't expect you to save me, I expected you to stand by me while I saved myself."

          I didn't ask him to put me back together or to heal me. He didn't even give me the opportunity to talk to him about what I needed, he simply didn't want to deal with me and he ran.

          I don't blame him, not everyone can handle dating someone who deals with such deep hurt, but he didn't have to walk out the door while I begged him to just come back in and hold me, talk to me, something. No, he just left, acted like he just couldn't deal with me.

          He couldn't handle me, but he sure liked his hands on me. If I am, in his eyes, too mentally ill to date, he never should've tried to get me in bed afterwards, yet he still tried. "Friends with benefits." was his suggestion, but I just couldn't figure out how I would be benefiting me?

          My desperate need for attention almost made me agree. I almost said yes, because I knew if I had nothing to offer him, he'd disappear for good, but I didn't. I couldn't.

          I had cried myself to sleep, and replayed him finding out, over and over in my head too many times. The way he pushed me off of him, before leaving me standing in the door frame as I watched him get in his truck and drive away. I felt too much heartache, so I said no.

          "You'll be missing out on a good thing." Is what he told me when I decided I didn't want to be friends with benefits. "You missed out on a good thing when you left me." was the only reply I could come up with.

          I never expected him to save me, and I wish I could've had the chance to tell him that. I could do it by myself, but having him by my side to do so would have been nice. It would've been nice to have support, even if it was just friendship, but he didn't offer any.

          I don't need anyone else to save me, in fact I don't think anyone else could, even if they tried. It's not something someone else can just take away. I'm not broken in need of fixing, I am hurt and in need of healing, and that's something only I can provide for myself.

          Finally, that sentence doesn't haunt me anymore. I finally got my answer, even if it's a little late. I'm stronger now, and I've figured out who I am. I haven't won the war yet, but I've been kicking some major ass in these battles.

          Don't worry about who's going to save me, I've got me covered.

-ToriLynn

Hidden in the Pews

Mental Illness and The Church

          I would like to start off by saying, that I, myself, am a Christian. This blog topic is based on what I’ve personally seen when it comes to mental illness within the church.

          I’ve noticed, that when it comes to mental illness within a church, people don’t talk about it much, and when they do, they tell you to pray about it. Prayer is good, and yes I believe there is power in it, but when your prayers for healing go unanswered, there needs to be encouragement from the church, to further your search in getting help. It’s okay to seek help somewhere else, while also praying and getting the comfort you need from God.

          Some churches aren’t open to the idea of professional help, others provide their own counseling with trained professionals on staff. It varies in denominations and beliefs, however the fact still remains that there’s a lack of discussion of mental illness.

          God has a hand in everything that can potentially better your life. God places people on this earth, who dedicate their professional lives to helping people with mental illness. It's okay to get help. It's okay to reach out and it's okay to not have everything together. Professional help might just be God's answer to your prayer. He does, in fact, work in mysterious ways.

          Some churches try to hard to look like they have everything together, however as a community we need to understand that humans aren't perfect. Life affects us Christians just like it affects anyone else. We have to get this idea of "perfect Christians" out of our heads, because if you cannot accept that people need help, how are you supposed to heal them?

          You are not a bad Christian if you struggle. You are not a bad Christian if you seek help from someone in addition to your prayers.

          Your mental health is important and should be taken care of. No God of ours wants you to suffer if it can be helped, and it can be.

          It's time to talk about mental illness within our churches. It's time to make this discussion normal and okay. It's time to help heal our fellow believers and encourage them through their dark times.

-ToriLynn

Unstressful School - Ricardo Yague

One of the main things I have seen that stress people and could cause a relapse in your illness is studying. Going to school and keeping up with the pace can be extremely stressful and induce in yourself feelings of anxiety because of overload, or depression because of the feeling of not meeting the standards. But the main point here, and the focus I want to put in, is that you shouldn’t drop out from school, finishing high school will be helpful for your life and you really need that education, but, do I have to sacrifice my mental health for education? Absolutely no! There are ways to succeed in school, or simply learn a lot of stuff, without actually getting stressed.

(disclaimer: I didn’t study in the US and I’m not particularly familiarized with the educational system of there, I will give tips that are mostly universal, if you don’t believe they fit your school or educational program, or can’t be applied, I encourage you to oversee them.)

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1. First of all: Grades aren’t the most important thing of all.

In the end, grades become something that people will overlook, your school degree will be more important. More important than grades are knowledge, so studying focusing completely on the grade is not the correct approach. Study trying to learn the material, it’s alright to not be able to recite it perfectly, it’s better to understand what you know and be able analyze it and apply it to a daily basis.

2. Manage your time

Time is a valuable and finite resource, meaning that your project due in three days will BE due in those three days and you can do nothing to change that. Mental illnesses take lot of time out of your day, but it IS possible to invest your time, the one you spend in overthinking or reflecting, into time to learn and discover. While you overthink, try to redirect those thoughts to how the West colonized the whole world or how the Middle East is the birthplace of civilization, when you are reflecting redirect those thoughts onto philosophical questions, maybe you can be the next Plato.

PD: learn about the Pomodoro method

3. Read, a lot

Reading is an excellent way to get knowledge, and it can be even more fulfilling than attending school, but watch out for the assistance record. Reading can help you understand a lot better about arts in general, biology, history, geography, chemistry, physics, and maybe even math! Also, don’t just stop at books related to school, read stuff that they don’t teach you at school. If you want to do multiple things at once, listen to audiobooks while exercising or doing a different activity than studying.

4. Organize your stuff

Organization is really useful, specially to not lose track on your stuff. Keeping everything organized, color-coded or scheduled will be extremely useful to know when your assignments are due, what parts of the lecture are important to know and the such. There are plenty of apps for school organization and tracking purposes.

5. Study with somebody

Don’t study alone, if you can study with someone, it doesn’t matter if they’re older, they can help you solve doubts with your work or orientate you. It doesn’t even have to be someone actively studying, you can study while your parents or siblings watch TV, you can form study groups with your friends, too. Also, this kind of activities will improve your relationships!

6. Ask your teacher

If you have doubts or problems with any part of your homework or studying material, your teachers will be the best persons to ask to. Just approach assertively and respectfully, they will be willing to respond to your questions, it’s their job anyways. Try not to ask them while their doing heavy work, they are not in their most clear moment, and may even have a mistake while answering. Also, avoid asking them immediately before the test or the day before a due assignment. Thee better timing is instantly after they gave the assignment. This can also give you more chances to get a better grade, since they’ll be aware that you had trouble, but that you are willing to learn and improve.

7. Get more sources

Sometimes, materials handed out by the teachers can be confusing and written in a really intricate way, thus confusing you. You can search online and get tons of materials, some more explanative and comprehensive than others. Make sure that they actually stay on subject!

-Ricardo Yague

I Choose Recovery

Depression is not a choice.

Anxiety is not a choice.

Mental Illness is not a choice.

Recovery is....

         With all the things in this life that we have absolutely no say in, recovery is one thing that we have the option to choose for ourselves. It is not something that comes to us, and like most things we want, you have to work for it.

          It doesn't seem fair, that we don't get a choice in whether we deal with mental illness or not. Unfortunately we can't stop it from happening, however we can overcome it. Just because you're dealt a bad hand, doesn't mean you can't win the game, you just have to choose to play it with everything you've got.

         Understanding that recovery is a choice is very important. I've had people tell me that I'm lucky to be where I am in my recovery, and it didn't sit well with me. I didn't choose anxiety, I didn't choose to be so overwhelmed and to feel so worthless that the only relief I felt was when I turned to self harm. I didn't choose this, but I chose my recovery, and every day that I get up, I have to choose it all over again.

          Everyone who deals with mental illness fights a battle daily. You're on the defense trying to keep your inner demons at bay. When you choose recovery though, you choose to take the offence position. You choose to challenge your mental illness and take back your life.

          One of the things mental illness does, is cause us to feel a significant lack of control over what's going on in our lives. Whatever your situation might be, recovery is possible and you have control over it.

          Recovery isn't easy. I mentioned before that it's something that you have to choose every new day. You have to acknowledge that there are going to be struggles you haven't encountered yet before. There will be hard times, and even times where you don't fee like you're getting anywhere, but the thing about recovery, is if you are trying, you are winning. 

          Your recovery will always look different than someone else's, and that's how it's supposed to be. Your story wont be quite like anyone else's, so remember not to compare yourself. 

          Do your best, and don't expect too much of yourself right away. You're human, you're healing, and you need to take care of yourself.

          It's time to make a choice. Do you fold? Or are you all in? Do you stay on the defense? Or is it time to bring out the offence? That's up to you. As for me? I choose recovery.

-ToriLynn

Photo by Farhan Siddicq on Unsplash

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